LONELY

coz i'm just another girl~

In a world that has millions upon billions of people, it’s amazing how you can still feel lonely.

Unappreciated, unwanted and a burden.

Among a sea of friends, you’re still the loner.

Spoken to once, tossed away the next second.

When you’re as quiet as a mouse, people tend to forget you’re there.

Invisible, as though you had never existed.

Of no use and no one to think of you, why be there in the first place?

Disappear, like the world supposedly wants you to.

But where to?

EQUILIBRIUM

song for the </3-ed ~

PART ONE

It hurt. It hurt so much. And there was nothing I could do about it.

My hand went to my heart. Funny that. Why do people do that? Why is it that the first thing that you do when you’re hurting inside is to hold your heart? It’s as if your heart is about to crumble into a million pieces and your reflex action is to hold onto your heart before it does. To hold it upright before it can fall apart. The need to make sure that there is still the hope that you can put the pieces back together again. Like the pieces of a broken cup, temporarily stuck together with glue, but never really whole again. It’s as though it’s your body’s way of protecting itself. An in-built self-defence mechanism that you’re completely unaware of.

But your body needs to release its hurt somehow, and I guess that comes in the form of the endless trickling of tears down your face and those heart-wrenching sobs. If you’re not letting your body release itself in one way, it finds itself another means to do so. It needs that balance. That equilibrium of emotion.

Huh, funny that.

PART TWO

Does anyone know what sound a heart makes when it’s breaking?

The answer: none at all.

You would think that it would be like the sound of a thousand mirrors smashing into millions of pieces, or like the demolition of an entire city built on stilts, or even like the smashing of metal like Formula 1 race-cars on a track crashing into each other one after the other. Like the result of that crash, a fire breaks out until a huge explosion occurs and all that is left is burnt black metal and the falling pieces of ash that float softly down onto the ground.

Like that, the heart is left still and black. Crumbled and damaged. Broken and unfixable. The remains of something that can never go back to its former state. Thus, left deserted.

The consequences of crushed hope and unfulfilled love.

FILLING IN BIG SHOES

Ever had that feeling where you really enjoy something, but after a while it becomes a little over-whelming? Rushing to be put in charge of something feels exactly like that.

It’s like being a kid and trying on your mum’s shoes for the first time. For those first ten minutes you’re enjoying the fact that you feel grown-up, that you’re ‘big’ enough to wear it. You’re having fun toddling around, and pretending to boss around your baby sister. But then afterwards you feel the struggle of keeping up with those big footsteps, having to take huge strides when all you’ve been used to are your tiny babysteps. It’s hard.

It’s then that you realise that growing up is a gradual process. You learn that by taking those baby steps at the beginning, you had learnt how to walk faster, and then to run, and eventually you’re running so fast you’re flying.

And it’s by doing everything in that gradual process that you’ve learnt to keep that height when you’re flying; keeping yourself steady up in the air, rather than crashing and burning to the ground. You learn that there’s no rush to learning. Everything will happen in its own natural process. And that if you believe in that, then you’ll be the one soaring in the skies.

So, lesson for today: don’t rush to take on responsibility when you’re not ready. Learn the steps, and eventually you’ll fly.

ANALYSING YOUR PSYCHO-ANALYSIS

Song to listen while reading this blog

Have you ever psycho-analysed yourself? Done a Freud session on yourself? Realising that you do a certain action, and wonder to yourself why you do that? Trying to explain to yourself why it is you do it.

You can be walking down the street, hunching your shoulders, and then suddenly be thinking in your head, why is it that I do that? Is it because I’m defensive, or that I’m trying to protect myself from getting hurt? Or could it be that I have low self-esteem? And the next thing you know, you’ll be wondering why is it that I look down as I walk? What are the reasons for that?

It’s endless. Every little movement, action, as well as speech, gets dissected and scrutinised and then your mind seems to formulate an analysis for it. And then from that analysis you try to make yourself better, as you’ve realised that those previous actions need to be corrected and you need to become a better, more confident you. It’s good in a way; these self-psycho-analysing moments. They help you to limit your faults and work on parts of yourself that need improving, so eventually you become that better you.

But nobody’s perfect; and no-one ever will be. And those little things that you call ‘flaws’ and limitations to your personality; those are what make you who you are. They make you original, different from everyone else. Isn’t that the point of having billions of people on the earth? If everyone was the same, it’d be boring and dull, and life would be far too simple. It’s the complications in life that define you, and the differences between people that make us bond. Of course, you can have people who like the same things as you, but there will always be a difference in opinion somewhere along the line. But that’s what makes it all the more interesting; someone else’s point of view might make you stop and think and consider different options.

But I’m straying from the point here. No point changing who you are if it means compromising the little quirks that make you you. So be glad to be you. Take the time to appreciate life, and never aim to be perfect. Because frankly, perfect’s boring.

There you go, that’s my psycho-analysis for the day.